Mini Review Capsules

Winter Passing (2005, Adam Rapp)
Decent flick, up until the ending, which destroys it. One of the few times a film has actually angered me. The only really good thing about the film was the excellent chemistry between Deschanel and Ferrell. The fact that Reese and Corbit did not end up together really pissed me off. Is the viewer supposed to be happy that Reese went back to her miserable New York existence? Deschanel and Ferrell are great, Ferrell especially. Ed Harris is decent, and the cinematography is good, but the screenplay is bad, and the ending just absolutely ruins it. Clearly, this was not screened for test audiences. Perhaps the ending was writer/director Adam Rapp's lame idea of being 'original' or 'innovative', but it just irritated the hell out of me. 4/10

The Tigger Movie (2000, Jun Falkenstein)

I have been known to state the highly unpopular opinion that The Tigger Movie is a masterpiece and one of the greatest animated films ever made, though in the back of my mind I thought that might be nostalgia speaking. After buying the 10th Anniversary DVD (which really is a year too early) and watching the film for the first time in years, I see that my opinion was not clouded by childhood memories after all. This is an outstanding film.

The animation, though something of an afterthought and more low-key than most Disney theatrical releases, serves the film quite well. The snow scenes in particular are nice. The film is charming and moving without being overly sentimental and sappy. The film's original songs are brilliantly composed by the Sherman Brothers, who are perhaps the greatest songwriters in Disney history. Every single song here is great, with my favorite being the show-stopping "Round My Family Tree", which is filled to the brim with subtle pop culture gags for adults, such as a hilarious homage to the 1930s Golddiggers musicals. The film's characters are all very likable, and the live-action opening perfectly conveys the tone for what is to come. The Tigger Movie stays true to the previous Pooh cartoons and chooses to rely on 'Pooh humor' instead of the 'poo humor' that saturates nearly every other kid's flick on the market. I believe Walt Disney would be very proud to have his name on this one. 10/10

Videodrome (1983, David Cronenberg)

Long live the new flesh! 10/10

Fargo (1996, Joel Coen)

I've reviewed this one before, so I'll just say that it is now my #5 of all time. Eat your heart out, Eraserhead. 10/10

Heavy Traffic (1973, Ralph Bakshi)

I think I liked it a lot, but I don't know, because I'm not really sure what the hell I just watched. Can someone explain this film? WTF/10

Freddy Got Fingered

I witnessed something today that makes Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer (the "____ Movie" guys) look like the smartest, funniest bastards that ever lived. I seriously didn't think film could get worse than Meet the Spartans. It sucks in every imaginable way, so how could there be a "film" that is not only worse, but makes Spartans look like 2001: A Space Odyssey in comparison? I've seen an abomination on the absolute lowest end, not only of things put on camera, but possibly the most vile, retarded act ever committed by those who (allegedly) are members of the human species. This despicable piece of filth even makes those internet shock videos seem less awful. What could possibly lead me to use such venomous, angry words? Have I just seen the latest disgusting shock video on the internet? No. Did I see that one video of some monstrously warped teenager urinating on a dying homeless woman? No. The thing causing me to feel this way ACTUALLY GOT A THEATRICAL RELEASE IN 2001 FROM 20TH CENTURY FOX AND REGENCY ENTERTAINMENT!!!

Freddy Got Fingered. Frankly, I don't know or care if Freddy (a minor character played by Eddie Kaye Thomas) was penetrated with a finger. I didn't stick around to see. After thirty-four minutes (more than any sane person should subject themselves to), I flipped the television off, spiked the remote, and screamed in disgust. How did this filth even get released? Did no one at Fox or Regency bother to watch this? Did some studio bigwig just say "hey, what about that one guy who does shock stunts on MTV, why don't we let him make a movie?" Did they know about the classless, tactless, unbelievably offensive, heap of cinematic feces they were spewing forth upon the world, or did they just not care? If there is in fact a Hell, everyone who even contributed to this broken condom of a movie in the slightest way will spend eternity there, consumed by flames and festering boils.

I cannot assign a score to this atrocity. There is no number low enough. Negative 999,999,999,999 (yes, that is a real number) is far too high. Tom Green has truly poisoned the world. If I am ever in the same room as Green, I fear that I will try to punch him in the face. The only thing that would stop me is the fact that he'd probably enjoy it.

This review (with slight variations for each version) has been posted on the IMDb Oscar Buzz message board, on the IMDb comments section for Freddy Got Fingered, and at velvetmatt.blogspot.com.