I witnessed something today that makes Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer (the "____ Movie" guys) look like the smartest, funniest bastards that ever lived. I seriously didn't think film could get worse than Meet the Spartans. It sucks in every imaginable way, so how could there be a "film" that is not only worse, but makes Spartans look like 2001: A Space Odyssey in comparison? I've seen an abomination on the absolute lowest end, not only of things put on camera, but possibly the most vile, retarded act ever committed by those who (allegedly) are members of the human species. This despicable piece of filth even makes those internet shock videos seem less awful. What could possibly lead me to use such venomous, angry words? Have I just seen the latest disgusting shock video on the internet? No. Did I see that one video of some monstrously warped teenager urinating on a dying homeless woman? No. The thing causing me to feel this way ACTUALLY GOT A THEATRICAL RELEASE IN 2001 FROM 20TH CENTURY FOX AND REGENCY ENTERTAINMENT!!!
Freddy Got Fingered. Frankly, I don't know or care if Freddy (a minor character played by Eddie Kaye Thomas) was penetrated with a finger. I didn't stick around to see. After thirty-four minutes (more than any sane person should subject themselves to), I flipped the television off, spiked the remote, and screamed in disgust. How did this filth even get released? Did no one at Fox or Regency bother to watch this? Did some studio bigwig just say "hey, what about that one guy who does shock stunts on MTV, why don't we let him make a movie?" Did they know about the classless, tactless, unbelievably offensive, heap of cinematic feces they were spewing forth upon the world, or did they just not care? If there is in fact a Hell, everyone who even contributed to this broken condom of a movie in the slightest way will spend eternity there, consumed by flames and festering boils.
I cannot assign a score to this atrocity. There is no number low enough. Negative 999,999,999,999 (yes, that is a real number) is far too high. Tom Green has truly poisoned the world. If I am ever in the same room as Green, I fear that I will try to punch him in the face. The only thing that would stop me is the fact that he'd probably enjoy it.
This review (with slight variations for each version) has been posted on the IMDb Oscar Buzz message board, on the IMDb comments section for Freddy Got Fingered, and at velvetmatt.blogspot.com.